some days just have to be about me.

girl 2

About a year ago my co-workers and I took the Strength Finders 2.0 test to help better understand the web of personalities functioning in our office. My results were not a complete surprise, however I had yet to find such a descriptive and perfect explanation of who I was.

My Top 5:

5. Developer: recognize and cultivate potential in others
4. Activator: can make things happen by turning thoughts into action. They are often impatient. (That’s an understatement)
3. Empathy: can sense the feelings of others by imagining themselves in other’s lives or situations.
2. Communication: generally find it easy to put thoughts into words. Easy to talk to.

And number 1:

WOO!!!! That’s right- I am a Woo’er- which means I love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. People like me derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person.

Pretty spot on huh? Do you see a common thread within my personality?

I love people. Being around people. Talking, drinking, eating, mingling, hanging, dancing, laughing with people.

I also learned that Woo’ers get exhausted. Easily. By people. The very thing that gives them life also drains it from them.  I think this specific personality type was written for me. Verbatim.

In different times of my life I have been told that I was a diva. (really?) That my expectations were too high, that I was unruly and loud and that I must have the last word. Also, of course, that I needed to be the center of attention.

I wish I could say this was untrue. But I can’t. In all my WOO-NESS…I have been all these things. Jesus though, being as rad as he is, started to show me just how abrasive and unnecessary I could be. I started to be ashamed of who I was, or worried that I would be just too much for people to handle.  So over the past few years I have tried to reel in the old Courtney and find balance in the new Courtney.

I tried to stop focusing on me. Completely.  This was unnatural and to be frank – it was HARD. I started looking for opportunities to bless other people and be kinder. I started taking a back seat in conversation and kept opinions to myself unless asked.  I put my children’s and husband’s needs before mine.  I was quieter.

It worked for awhile.  Except it didn’t work.  At all.

Simply because that is not who God created me to be.

Kinder- yes…respectful-yes…more loving-yes…of course he wants that in me.  But he didn’t want me to forget who I was.  That he created me to be a WOO-ER…he created me to love people and thrive in groups of them.  He created me goofy and silly and unexpected and loud.   I totally missed what he was trying to do in me.  By a long shot. People noticed.  But not how I hoped they would.  Most thought I was depressed. Some mentioned I had lost my sparkle. Instead of becoming a more balanced version of myself I became a counterfeit version of myself.

The fall was hard. It hit hard. My children felt it.  My family felt it. My close friends watched and felt it. My husband lived it. Josh lived every ridiculous- self-pitying -uncontrollable rage- hurtful word- spewing out of me- emotional BS possible.          He lived it.

All this happened during my pregnancy with Jude. Looking back I know I made one huge mistake.  I stopped being about Courtney. I stopped caring about Courtney.  I tried to change something that was knit in me from conception. I took my eyes off myself for just long enough to loose myself.  And while I was looking elsewhere I also forgot to fix them back on Jesus.

You know what God always does for me?  He sends me friends, and words of encouragement and love…through songs.  Always.

Josh lead this song one Sunday at Eastlake when I was living this nightmare. From the first listen- it is by far one of my favorite worship songs. It was written by John Mark McMillan, however I had my husband record the version I first heard.

Some days you have to be about you. You have to stay true to who God created you to be and stay with him. Hold on to him. Stay close. Push the world away for a bit.  Be about YOU. Just you and Jesus. Just the two of you.

This song put me in a fetal position in our bathroom in Seattle.  Begging. Crying. Asking God to intervene. Apologizing. Screaming. Begging.  I didn’t need some God in outer-space…or in a book…or philosophy… or theology….or anything Christian-esse.

I needed my sanity. I needed myself back.  I needed Jesus. Just us two. I had real problems. I needed real answers.

….and slowly but surely the answers have come.

Take 2014 by the saddle and conqueror everything you are wanting to get done. I hope it starts with falling back in love with who you are…and changing the things God want’s to change, but not changing who he designed you to be.

I know you feel Jesus woo-ing you.  He is the best at it.  Except he doesn’t get exhausted with us. He just keeps pursuing.

Closer~John Mark McMillan~ Recorded by Josh

~just hit the link~

Come closer, closer to me.
Find me broken, find me bleedin’
cause I need more now than a fairy tale,
a god who lives in a book.
I need someone real.

So would you come?
Would you come?
If i begged you, would you come closer to me now?

Come closer, closer to me.
Find me broken, find me on my knees,
cause I need more now than philosophy.
Some god in outer space doesn’t mean anything to me.

So would you come?
Would you come?
If I begged you, would you come closer to me now?
Would you come?
Would you come?
If i begged you, would you come closer to me now?

 

3 thoughts on “some days just have to be about me.

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