The Story Of A Rabbit

‘Mom, you’re missing it’

‘Mom, mom, it’s going to be ok, you’re missing it’

The it my five year old was referring to was a rabbit that we have affectionately named Roger. We had been waiting to seem him. Roger hangs around the house. We love to watch him out the window.

Moments before Roger’s visit there had been rage.

Shouting.

A mark left on a child’s thigh. My smallest child. A bruise forming in the shape of my fingers.

There had been fear starring back at me through baby blue eyes. Whimpering. Tears.

Tears from small people’s eyes. Tears falling out of mine.

Time-outs had been assigned. Order established. Belated deep breaths taken.

A phone call to my husband. A text message to my parents asking if the boys could come stay for a week. Rage, eruption, sadness, regret. All in one moment. My chest cavity hurt from feeling so much.

I was starring at our bright, blue-green dinning room walls. That color. That color was selected to enhance our happy, vibrant family. That color was mocking me.

‘Mom you’re missing it’ 

Head down; my personal gossip dialogue began. What’s going on? Why did I loose control again? Jesus where are you? I can’t do this. Every mother in the world can do this, but I can’t. What’s wrong with me? This isn’t that hard. They will remember. This day will never end. I am a volcano. They never know when I’m loosing it. Courtney-you can do this. You can.  It’s going to be ok. More tears. I can’t remember a day that they were absent.

‘Mom, mom’

‘I know buddy. I know. I am missing it.’

There is a voice. I can’t decide if it’s my own, or the answer to Jesus’s whereabouts.

‘Courtney, you’re missing it’

I KNOW! I DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT RABBIT! I KNOW I AM MISSING THEIR CHILDHOOD AND MY SANITY-EVERY MOMENT OF THIS DAY HAS PROVEN THAT I AM MISSING IT!- 

Again, the voice. ‘Courtney, look up. You’re missing it.’

My five year old. He’s smiling, waving me over to the couch to watch Roger out the window. How much time had passed? This was what we had been waiting for all morning. To hang out and watch this rabbit. The opportunity was still there. A chance to try again.

You’re here, aren’t you Jesus? 

I had blue eyes to heal, and fears to chase away. I had hugs to give and apologizes to speak. I had a chance to make the afternoon better.

That night, the husband and I chatted about changes. Changes that I needed to make. Prayers that he would be praying. Another chance, another day, another opportunity to take care of myself. So I could take care of my family.

I drew this. It hangs in our bedroom.

photo (3)

And I cling to this promise. PROMISE. I have to cling. I can’t do this alone.

Then light will be shining on you like the morning, and your wounds will quickly be well; and my righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.  Isaiah 58:8.

 You will go before me. You will be my rear guard. Thank you. I needed that. And this.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or tremble at them for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not leave or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

You will never leave me. You will never leave me. 

 ************************************************************************************************

Hi there weary momma. Or weary friend. If your reading this and it relates, you will be ok. On the bottom of my sign I tell myself to do a life exercise.  These are things that make me feel alive. For example :: random acts of kindness, cleaning (weird), sending someone love and encouragement through txt or phone call, and of course dancing.

I encourage you to dig in and find what gives you purpose and a reason to live and live fully. When you know- run after it with all that you have. Second, the bible is packed full of goodness and hope. Find passages that will be your life preserver. I can help. Just let me know.

Lastly, take care of yourself.  You are the best candidate for it. You are stronger than you know. And you are loved, in your brightness and your darkness.

 darkest

No song for this post- because every song I have ever posted could relate to this story!

 

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19 thoughts on “The Story Of A Rabbit

  1. I love this post!

    Courtney. You have to stop being so hard on yourself. We all have days EXACTLY like this. I beat myself up often because I’m being shouty mom. I lose it. I shout. I smack. I cry. They cry. It happens. It’s shit. But I promise you, no one has it all together, all the time.

    I have found that my kids need routine. When we start the day right, the rest of the day just flows. That is not to say that I am not a train wreck by 4pm, but that it’s definitely better than falling apart at 10am.

    We are not super heroes. We are doing the best we can do.

    The hardest part of being a mom, is ALL OF IT. It is relentless. But in those tiny moments where shouty mom is long forgotten and we laugh and smile and cuddle – that erases all the times I fail.

    You are their mom. God chose these boys for you. He chose YOU to be their mom. There is NO ONE on earth who is better suited to doing that job than you.

    Love love love xxx

  2. Courtney, I love this. I don’t think there is a mommy alive that hasn’t had a day like that before. We are human and sometimes our emotions get the best of us. We don’t give ourselves enough grace to make mistakes. There is no perfect moms no matter what we want to believe. Your boys love you, bad days and all and they forgive us quicker than we forgive ourselves. Take each day as it comes, walk through out the day in grace and celebrate the victories no matter how small they are. You got this!

  3. I love this. My days are often as you’ve written where I have to motivate myself to get out of bed and go get my crying 6 month old from his crib, 2 hours before the norm.
    I love your motivation board, great idea. Great post Courtney!

    • Girl-isn’t getting out of the bed to a crying child the worst??!! I have a 2 and 1 year old- they are 10 1/2 months apart (oops)- and yeah, my mornings start with crying.

  4. Thanks. My depression comes out in rage too. I am just keeping my head above water and am scared that my daughter is going to hate me. She’s just a little girl and bears the brunt of all my shortcomings and higher than possible expectations. I am just…an angry person. I wish God would make me not angry but I blame myself because I don’t read the Bible and pray enough. Then it’s just a nasty cycle.

    • Let me rest your soul a little- the bible says “there is no condemnation for those who are found in Christ Jesus” Romans 8:1~ so put the blame away. The anger- I know. I am currently trying to find the root of what’s going on. I can relate. What I love is that you know that you are not perfect. It’s always a nice place to start. So you’re teaching your daughter what reality can look like as a parent. Simple steps, start trying to identify your triggers, and open up and talk to Jesus all day every day. Talking…just another word for praying. :) you can do it.

    • I don’t know you but you sound a bit like a good friend of mine. She’s a good person and I bet you are too, otherwise you wouldn’t care and feel badly. You sound like you don’t think you’re worth it and want to give up on yourself, but you are worth it. Never give up, every day, every moment is an opportunity to restart. I know that gets tiring. I know. But it can also be energizing. You are a beautiful creation and your children want you to succeed because they love you. Your daughter probably won’t remember all the bad, she will remember you love her and will know that you are human, which may be a comfort to her in a time of need someday. I hope all the best for you.

  5. If we were honest we all have those kind of days. What makes it harder for me is I work so I feel even worse about losing my cool. But then they gave a way of showing you the good gets thru more than the bad. The other day was really rough for me. I went in and laid down in my closet. My oldest came in and gave me her pillow and blanket. Then she prayed for me and sang a song to me. She told me Jesus loves you. People say it will pass but what helps me the most is knowing I am not the only one going thru it now. Thanks for being open and transparent.

  6. Girl, I read your posts and I think “how is it that she knows exactly what I need to read every. single. time?????” And then it hits me that I must not be alone in so many of these feelings and emotions I deal with on an everyday basis as a mother, wife and friend. Thank you for opening yourself up the way you do over and over again. It helps more than you know.

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