‘Mom, you’re missing it’
‘Mom, mom, it’s going to be ok, you’re missing it’
The it my five year old was referring to was a rabbit that we have affectionately named Roger. We had been waiting to seem him. Roger hangs around the house. We love to watch him out the window.
Moments before Roger’s visit there had been rage.
A mark left on a child’s thigh. My smallest child. A bruise forming in the shape of my fingers.
There had been fear starring back at me through baby blue eyes. Whimpering. Tears.
Tears from small people’s eyes. Tears falling out of mine.
Time-outs had been assigned. Order established. Belated deep breaths taken.
A phone call to my husband. A text message to my parents asking if the boys could come stay for a week. Rage, eruption, sadness, regret. All in one moment. My chest cavity hurt from feeling so much.
I was starring at our bright, blue-green dinning room walls. That color. That color was selected to enhance our happy, vibrant family. That color was mocking me.
‘Mom you’re missing it’
Head down; my personal gossip dialogue began. What’s going on? Why did I loose control again? Jesus where are you? I can’t do this. Every mother in the world can do this, but I can’t. What’s wrong with me? This isn’t that hard. They will remember. This day will never end. I am a volcano. They never know when I’m loosing it. Courtney-you can do this. You can. It’s going to be ok. More tears. I can’t remember a day that they were absent.
‘I know buddy. I know. I am missing it.’
There is a voice. I can’t decide if it’s my own, or the answer to Jesus’s whereabouts.
‘Courtney, you’re missing it’
I KNOW! I DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT RABBIT! I KNOW I AM MISSING THEIR CHILDHOOD AND MY SANITY-EVERY MOMENT OF THIS DAY HAS PROVEN THAT I AM MISSING IT!-
Again, the voice. ‘Courtney, look up. You’re missing it.’
My five year old. He’s smiling, waving me over to the couch to watch Roger out the window. How much time had passed? This was what we had been waiting for all morning. To hang out and watch this rabbit. The opportunity was still there. A chance to try again.
You’re here, aren’t you Jesus?
I had blue eyes to heal, and fears to chase away. I had hugs to give and apologizes to speak. I had a chance to make the afternoon better.
That night, the husband and I chatted about changes. Changes that I needed to make. Prayers that he would be praying. Another chance, another day, another opportunity to take care of myself. So I could take care of my family.
I drew this. It hangs in our bedroom.
And I cling to this promise. PROMISE. I have to cling. I can’t do this alone.
Then light will be shining on you like the morning, and your wounds will quickly be well; and my righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Isaiah 58:8.
You will go before me. You will be my rear guard. Thank you. I needed that. And this.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or tremble at them for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not leave or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
You will never leave me. You will never leave me.
Hi there weary momma. Or weary friend. If your reading this and it relates, you will be ok. On the bottom of my sign I tell myself to do a life exercise. These are things that make me feel alive. For example :: random acts of kindness, cleaning (weird), sending someone love and encouragement through txt or phone call, and of course dancing.
I encourage you to dig in and find what gives you purpose and a reason to live and live fully. When you know- run after it with all that you have. Second, the bible is packed full of goodness and hope. Find passages that will be your life preserver. I can help. Just let me know.
Lastly, take care of yourself. You are the best candidate for it. You are stronger than you know. And you are loved, in your brightness and your darkness.
No song for this post- because every song I have ever posted could relate to this story!
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